I won't. I'm too relieved to find you alive to do anything that will have you withdrawing again, shoving me and ignoring me until I can't take it anymore. I don't know that I can lose you a third time when the first two felt like the worst kind of slow death.
But if I write them down, you can't ever know. Even if you find it, you'll never know what's on here.
You broke my heart.
There's no need for the 'no homo' routine. I'm not in love with you. I love you, I've always considered you my platonic soul mate, the brother from a different mother, whatever you call it. You're my best friend and the most important person in my life.
I thought the same was true of you for me.
Until the Castle case.
You hurt me before then. But, that happens with love. Sometimes you hurt each other with the best intentions, or just thoughtless ones. I don't like you being Daredevil, because I don't like you being carved up and beat down. It hurts me how much you don't care what they do to you.
But I get why you do it. If I could do what you do... Maybe I'd do the same. Maybe I should have demanded you start training me and gone out with you.
But then we had the Castle case.
I knew I wasn't the top priority in your life. Daredevil is. I thought I made the top five, even after the lies, I thought I mattered to you.
Until the Castle case.
I understand it was important. Whatever you were doing. Doing it with Elektra. Working with or against your old mentor, I'm not clear on that point. I'm not really clear on any of it.
But, in being more important, you showed me something else. You didn't call me. You didn't tell me. You actively lied to me when I asked.
If you'd said you were doing Daredevil work with Elektra, yeah, I would've been hurt and upset. You two were together for... ten weeks? Twelve? And she left you a wreck, a total wreck and I did my best for you then.
And now... I don't hate Elektra. I don't like how she treated you. But most of what I dislike about 'Elektra' is who you are with her. The person I love just vanishes, the kind, funny, caring and reliable guy I've known for years and years. And there's someone else, who you tell me is the real you, the you that only Elektra can accept and understand. Someone who does what he wants, who doesn't really think about others as people, just this vague notion that should be generally protected from the vague notion of 'bad types.
You say that's the real you and I can't understand. But you've never really tried to explain for me to understand. I don't know what I did to make you think you could never reveal any of yourself to me.
I don't know why the you I know isn't real.
I just know that in the end, everything else mattered more than me. Even than our friendship. In a purely mercenary sense, I thought our friendship meant more, because I made a really good cover for you. I had for years without knowing it, and I would've kept doing it, even knowing it was just you using me to help hide. I would've, because I love you and doing things for people you love is just... what you do.
You didn't even come to the hospital, Matt. The next day, when the immediate danger was over and I was still in hospital and still waiting to find out if I needed surgery, if I was going to get full movement back, I wanted you there. I *needed* you. And you never came.
Fuck knows I don't ask for much from you. I know that emotionally, you don't have a lot you can give, not after what you've survived. Maybe you don't know how to love without hurting because love always hurt you. Maybe you just keep pushing and neglecting because it's all you know but I'm not selfless and sacrificing. I can't keep hanging on to the friendship, to the relationship, when you're actively hurting me.
That's not love. That sort of clinging on is abusive.
I still ask myself constantly what I did wrong. How I fucked it up. Why you could love and care about other people, faceless, nameless people more than you do me?
I don't know why. I don't think you do either. And if I said a word, you'd make it about you suffering to save me, about your guilt and regret at hurting me and I don't want any of that.
I want you to hear me. Listen what I'm saying. I want you to understand and I want you say 'I am sorry I hurt you".
I want lots of things that I don't get. What's one more?
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
Unwritten Letter
Date: 2019-01-10 02:13 am (UTC)I won't. I'm too relieved to find you alive to do anything that will have you withdrawing again, shoving me and ignoring me until I can't take it anymore. I don't know that I can lose you a third time when the first two felt like the worst kind of slow death.
But if I write them down, you can't ever know. Even if you find it, you'll never know what's on here.
You broke my heart.
There's no need for the 'no homo' routine. I'm not in love with you. I love you, I've always considered you my platonic soul mate, the brother from a different mother, whatever you call it. You're my best friend and the most important person in my life.
I thought the same was true of you for me.
Until the Castle case.
You hurt me before then. But, that happens with love. Sometimes you hurt each other with the best intentions, or just thoughtless ones. I don't like you being Daredevil, because I don't like you being carved up and beat down. It hurts me how much you don't care what they do to you.
But I get why you do it. If I could do what you do... Maybe I'd do the same. Maybe I should have demanded you start training me and gone out with you.
But then we had the Castle case.
I knew I wasn't the top priority in your life. Daredevil is. I thought I made the top five, even after the lies, I thought I mattered to you.
Until the Castle case.
I understand it was important. Whatever you were doing. Doing it with Elektra. Working with or against your old mentor, I'm not clear on that point. I'm not really clear on any of it.
But, in being more important, you showed me something else. You didn't call me. You didn't tell me. You actively lied to me when I asked.
If you'd said you were doing Daredevil work with Elektra, yeah, I would've been hurt and upset. You two were together for... ten weeks? Twelve? And she left you a wreck, a total wreck and I did my best for you then.
And now... I don't hate Elektra. I don't like how she treated you. But most of what I dislike about 'Elektra' is who you are with her. The person I love just vanishes, the kind, funny, caring and reliable guy I've known for years and years. And there's someone else, who you tell me is the real you, the you that only Elektra can accept and understand. Someone who does what he wants, who doesn't really think about others as people, just this vague notion that should be generally protected from the vague notion of 'bad types.
You say that's the real you and I can't understand. But you've never really tried to explain for me to understand. I don't know what I did to make you think you could never reveal any of yourself to me.
I don't know why the you I know isn't real.
I just know that in the end, everything else mattered more than me. Even than our friendship. In a purely mercenary sense, I thought our friendship meant more, because I made a really good cover for you. I had for years without knowing it, and I would've kept doing it, even knowing it was just you using me to help hide. I would've, because I love you and doing things for people you love is just... what you do.
You didn't even come to the hospital, Matt. The next day, when the immediate danger was over and I was still in hospital and still waiting to find out if I needed surgery, if I was going to get full movement back, I wanted you there. I *needed* you. And you never came.
Fuck knows I don't ask for much from you. I know that emotionally, you don't have a lot you can give, not after what you've survived. Maybe you don't know how to love without hurting because love always hurt you. Maybe you just keep pushing and neglecting because it's all you know but I'm not selfless and sacrificing. I can't keep hanging on to the friendship, to the relationship, when you're actively hurting me.
That's not love. That sort of clinging on is abusive.
I still ask myself constantly what I did wrong. How I fucked it up. Why you could love and care about other people, faceless, nameless people more than you do me?
I don't know why. I don't think you do either. And if I said a word, you'd make it about you suffering to save me, about your guilt and regret at hurting me and I don't want any of that.
I want you to hear me. Listen what I'm saying. I want you to understand and I want you say 'I am sorry I hurt you".
I want lots of things that I don't get. What's one more?