Foggy sat on his bed, looking at the window. The curtains were drawn to try and keep the heat in, not that there was much heat to be lost.
Matt was alive.
Months of not knowing. Months of knowing, in his heart, Matt was dead, that Matt wanted to be dead with Elektra than alive with them.
Months before that of not seeing Matt. Calls unanswered. Messages unreturned.
Foggy had been losing Matt for a year and him being dead made it almost easier, because it killed all hope. It meant Foggy could stop hoping and just start grieving.
And now Matt was alive and everything was crashing back in. Everything Foggy did wrong, the way he gave up time and time again when it got hard, when Matt was uncommunicative and flaky and Foggy hadn't fought through.
If he had been a better friend, would Matt have wanted to live? If he'd been more selfless, or just less- Less something that wasn't right.
Why wasn't Foggy ever enough for Matt to want to save them? Was it really all Matt, just not being as interested, as invested as Foggy was, like Marci sometimes claimed? Was it just them growing up and apart in ugly ways?
They said that if someone killed themselves, it was on them, not anyone around them. But usually, you didn't hand them to gun loaded and primed and ready to go like Foggy had.
Could Matt just not really love, not after the abuse and trauma? Could he only love in obsessive, frantic and sexual ways that had managed to remain uncorrupted through his upbringing? Was his love just awkward and neglectful because it was what he knew and Elektra was an aberration to that?
Was it just something wrong with Foggy that meant that Matt couldn't love him?
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The First Night
Date: 2019-01-09 11:53 am (UTC)Matt was alive.
Months of not knowing. Months of knowing, in his heart, Matt was dead, that Matt wanted to be dead with Elektra than alive with them.
Months before that of not seeing Matt. Calls unanswered. Messages unreturned.
Foggy had been losing Matt for a year and him being dead made it almost easier, because it killed all hope. It meant Foggy could stop hoping and just start grieving.
And now Matt was alive and everything was crashing back in. Everything Foggy did wrong, the way he gave up time and time again when it got hard, when Matt was uncommunicative and flaky and Foggy hadn't fought through.
If he had been a better friend, would Matt have wanted to live? If he'd been more selfless, or just less- Less something that wasn't right.
Why wasn't Foggy ever enough for Matt to want to save them? Was it really all Matt, just not being as interested, as invested as Foggy was, like Marci sometimes claimed? Was it just them growing up and apart in ugly ways?
They said that if someone killed themselves, it was on them, not anyone around them. But usually, you didn't hand them to gun loaded and primed and ready to go like Foggy had.
Could Matt just not really love, not after the abuse and trauma? Could he only love in obsessive, frantic and sexual ways that had managed to remain uncorrupted through his upbringing? Was his love just awkward and neglectful because it was what he knew and Elektra was an aberration to that?
Was it just something wrong with Foggy that meant that Matt couldn't love him?